New Beginnings and Endings

You never really know where you're going until you're there.

This may be a long one so strap in and grab something good to drink.

If you would have told me how this life would unfold, I wouldn't know what to say or think. Some of it is beyond comprehension. Having nine children for example; I always wanted to be a Mom. It is one of my earliest memories. Someone would ask a young and naive version of me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would simply proclaim "A Mommy." I certainly made that wish come true. It's a life that has its challenges, but I wouldn't change that for all the money in the world. I just couldn't have predicted it and wouldn't have believed it if someone were to tell my fortune in those earlier days.

Being a professional photographer is another one. Maybe not on quite the scale of having almost a dozen children, but still quite wondrous for me. I remember thinking about this. I also remember thinking it would be quite nice to be make a living as an artist. Grown up me did manage to achieve that and I am proud of her. I could in fact even support my family with this income for years on years. It was exhilarating. It was a point of pride. It was something I never really expected.

You see, my family grew up in I guess what would be considered "lower class." I don't love that term if I am being honest. But it is what it is. Most of my clothes came out of trash bags and were hand me downs by kind friends of our family. My Mom worked her backside off to give us a good life, but she struggled for it. We were rich in extended family, however, and so the silver lining is we never had to worry about starving. I honestly didn't mind. I have never been someone who needed much to be happy. My second hand books were enough for me. There were other hardships I am not sure I want to delve into here in this space, but not having a lot of material possessions was not one of them.

And then I met my husband at 16 and was engaged by 17 and pregnant by 18. It was a lot. Looking back now it still is a lot. Again, no regrets. I am still married to that man 26 years later and chose to have quite a few more children so it clearly worked out...but still. I didn't choose the easiest life for myself. For 8 of those earlier years we struggled hard. We had our first four children and thought we were done growing our family. We lived on the east coast where I can honestly say I never knew a family with nearly as many children as we do have now so that makes sense. Much like my own nuclear family I grew up in, we lived paycheck to paycheck. We always seemed to make too much but not enough to get any real help. Despite its setbacks and frustrations I was still happy. Just exhausted.

I turned to photography because of this. I needed a creative outlet. My husband bought me a cheap (but not to us) entry level DSLR with our income tax refund. I felt guilty because it felt extravagant but it was coveted and I became infatuated with the art form. I dragged that camera everywhere and took photos of everything, but especially my children. I began posting online desperate for community. It was hard to find in those earlier days so I made one for myself through a humble blog spot blog and an early Facebook account. Eventually I branched out and decided to undertake this professionally to help support my family in the economy crisis of 2009. I was honestly tired of struggling. It took off in a bigger way than I had imagined. I didn't realize how big that community around me had grown. I will have to share more on this in another post.

Within a year our lives had changed for the better. I was traveling and teaching and photographing other people's families. My following was growing and my husband was able to leave his job (he really hated it) to help take care of the business and our family. He took care of the more menial things I couldn't handle and I dove head first into a creative life. We uprooted our family and moved to Colorado from Connecticut (literally sight unseen) and made a fresh start. I built a solid client base here and began to grow again. That wasn't the only thing growing. Our family also began to expand. We knew we had one life and we were going to live it bravely and on our terms.

This all honestly felt like a fever dream at times. It still does but I am thankful.

Then in 2022 things started to feel a bit rough around the edges. I was exhausted and coming up against burn out. My Creativity was the only thing that seemed to be untouched by all this, but I didn't have enough for me anymore and kept myself busy with my client work. 2023 was even worse. We experienced loss in ways I can't begin to describe but ended that year with my husband being hospitalized with a mystery illness and then my oldest daughter being involved in a serious car accident. We almost lost her. It shifted all my priorities and I had to slow down. Being our only source of income however made it challenging. My husband stepped up to the plate and did everything he could to bring income in so I could help our daughter heal and maybe do some healing myself.

Right after that I lost my social media accounts. There was a glitch with Meta. I don't know if it was AI or I was hacked. There is a lot of uncertainty but I couldn't talk to a human being and after months finally gave up. I had to start all over again. Nearly 180,000 followers I had accumulated in the 15 years of business just gone. When everyone didn't make their way back I admit it broke my heart a bit. This wasn't just a following, this was my community. I am still coming to terms with that. I may just blog about it soon.

2024 came around and we had to make a lot of changes between the economy and the loss of my social media. I was so fortunate to be booked but there are two sides to the income I bring in and the education and resources I create for photographers struggled without my instagram account. Wes worked even harder. I had also found out I was pregnant the beginning of 2024 so there was real fear with that. Our daughter Lucy was a huge blessing but also a huge surprise and the fact that we were in a season of struggle again with another human joining our family was nothing short of intimidating. The moment I held her in my arms though last December, I knew she was here for a purpose and. I couldn't imagine it any other way. I am still catching up with work though because having your 9th child in your early 40's is no easy feat. I am grateful for everyone that has been patient with me.

Now we are here in 2025. I took a good long hiatus from social media last year. I wasn't as present as I would have liked but I also needed to be away. I am happily back and starting to find my footing. I am writing again and trying to find the energy to photograph my own family. The desire is there and the fire is back. I am no longer making promises to myself but taking it day by day and leaning into my own authenticity. I just want to live a real life. One that isn't dictated by the internet or the way society perceives productivity. I refuse to let myself burn out again. I refuse to lose the love for my craft.

Anyway, if you 've made it this far thank you. Welcome to my new space on the web here. It was a long time coming and I really needed a new website. I finally did that. It's a work in progress but I am thankful for it. And I am thankful for you being here as I rebuild all of this. We all love a good comeback story right?